Happy Valentine’s Day!
So, in the rush to rearrange life in order to go to Katsucon this weekend, I left my VDSD picture at home. I had to get my husband to email it to me, and he only found the line-art version. So I’ll replace this with the colored one. I actually did this as a donation incentive awhile ago but I’m re-purposing it.
So if you want to see NSFW MICHAEL BUTT, click the link!
The Complete List of Valentine’s Day Sex Drive 2014 Participants
Page made in Manga Studio EX4 and EX5, as usual!
So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. And a lot of reading, because it’s too cold and snowy around here to go outside and actually do something constructive. Instead I sit inside reading interesting books. Most of you don’t know this, but I’m actually a little addicted to self-help books. And I go through phases where I’ll read/listen to a bunch of them, then stop for a bit, then pick up some more books, and the cycle continues every few months to a year or so.
It seems that there’s been a theme with the books I’ve been drawn to lately: dealing with Fear. So I’m guessing that this is my life’s way of telling me that it’s time to deal with some of my issues with Fear. For all the “fearless” stuff that I’ve done in my life, that people have told me I’ve been so brave for doing, I actually have a long time struggle with fear. Right now I’m thinking about deleting this blog post because I’m afraid it’s too weird, too personal, for this site, and that anyone reading it is going to find it off-putting. I can’t tell you how many soul bearing blog posts I’ve started on this site and then erased because I was too afraid of letting it out there.
A lot of stuff I don’t post because I don’t want anyone to look at my site and say that I’m a big whiner and a cry-baby, and I’m moaning to get attention. So even when stuff legitimately bothers me, sometimes I don’t post my thoughts on it because I don’t want to give off that impression. But then I’m giving in to a fear and not being myself. So is that better or worse than the possibility of maybe-someone will think I’m being a jerk or an “attention whore” (which I have been accused of being), especially when it shuts me up about issues that are important to me?
I had a ton of fear I had to push through last year. I’m not going to lie, writing the Manga Studio book was terrifying. Dealing with the contract with the publisher was terrifying. I was scared the entire time that I was writing it that it wasn’t going to be “good enough”, that I’d never get it done, that it would never come out. Then when it was done, there was relief. And then I had to pick back up on Adrastus, and you know what?
I was terrified of Adrastus too! Honestly, I’m going to say it right here- part of the reason it took so long for me to get back working steadily on the comic is because I would get so scared. This little voice in the back of my head would go “Oh no! What if people pick up the Manga Studio book, and they come to look at my comic, and they expect it to be some Frank-Miller fabulousness, and it’s definitely not that, and they get disappointed, and then no one reads anything by me EVER AGAIN!” And then I’d stare at Chapter 13, and I’d close Manga Studio and go procrastinate on something else. It took about three months to get past that, and if my desire to tell this story, and my love for it wasn’t so strong, I might have just given up on it.
But now that I’ve gotten through a month and a half of regular updates again, and I actually have a buffer now (!) I’m starting to feel less afraid. Is the comic perfect? Hell no. Am I perfect? No. Every day I’m going to learn something new, about storytelling, drawing, lettering, coloring, running a business, or whatever else I’m doing. I’m going to go off the path a lot, and I’m going to be afraid. But pushing through that fear has brought me this far, and I’m going to keep going.
I’d really love to hear from some of you about times you’ve pushed through your fears! Post a comment and share with me?